One step at a tyme

So I am Home (Naija) For the summer holidays,

Its been going on great so far

Taking classes, not that bored thou.........

Learning how to play the Guitar. !!!!!!!!!

Excited as hell.

I so wanna run before i crawl.

My teacher thinks I am doing great .

I fell he is just being nice.

Gosh its not as easy as I thot.

Should have picked an easier instrument

So where did this all come from??

Out of no where my Dad bought an Organ and said he wanted to learn how to play @ age 54, we all laughed (come to think of it, thats not too old is it?)

When i arrived abuja, that was the first thing i saw in the house.

A step forward, i was impressed so lets see him actually take classes.

The first day, he actually gave me his cell phones to keep away (he never does that only if he is in church) meeting or no meeting that guys cell phone is ringing off the hook.

So i saw that determination and just had to learn an instrument my self.

So i picked the guitar

I have always thought its the sexiest instrument out there . lol ..

Now i wish i thot otherwise

My fingers are finding it hard to move around and stay where they are to be

And did i mention the blisters i am beginning to have from the strings.

Well thats my fault coz since i got my guitar, i take it every where.

I only have a month and a week to learn.

So you can only imagine how hard i am working my self.

My teacher plays so well, i asked him how long he has been playing.

He said 15 years......

I AMLOST LOST HOPE

They say practice makes perfect am gonna try and hold on !!!!

-The cycle-

Question?

Yes!!

Fun times 

Sad times

Truth 

Lies 

Courage

Love

Care

Romance

Cry 

Laugh

Understanding

Unrealistic

Confident 

Insecured

Anger 

Passion

Break Up 

Make Up 

Make up

Break up 

...........

talk and laugh from the word but don't feel involved. 

All I am busy doing is locking little parts of me up 

Why?

Because i would not need them now that you are gone. 

nb: very abstract not true life !!! lol 

-heavy heart -

I feel heavy, so heavy
This didn't work it made it worse
Its been 3 days and we still giving each other the cold shoulders
In 30min and I am about to leave you here
Oh God I wish i could say I am sorry for Only God knows what

But I don't want to.
Gosh how weird is it going to be when i am leaving
What am I gonna say when I am leaving,
Am I going to give you a hug and say i love you
Am I just gonna walk alway and say bye
What am I gonna do when I leave?

So is it worth it?
I dont think so

My heart has been heavy all along
My heart wanna talk to you soo bad
My heart wanna laugh and crack jokes with you like normal

But this fight isn't making it so.

"....................Paradigm can you imagine what he said"
o o o is that you talking to me.
OH GREAT you went first
lol i know i sound like a lil kid but she made the first move thats all that matter !!!!

aiight wud be back she is talking and laughing with me...
i guess thats her way of saying I AM SORRY lol
thats why i love you !!!! muah

- i still love you -

I hate that i am writing this about you
But you have pushed me so far that's all i can
I hate that you make me feel this way
But you have pushed me so far that i cant take this no more.

What more do you need?
Everything humanly possible i have done.
What more do you need?
You say I make you proud
What more do you need?
I give you your due respect
What more do you need?
I sincerely love you

Please understand why I had to come to this.
Please understand this is the only way I can vent without being rude
Please understand i have held this in so much its killing me
Please understand you have made me cry over and over again this time.

I hate this feeling
I hate not talking to you
I hate that i wanna hold on with this childish malice until you see my point
I hate that you SO good at it.

Please understand that this time it hurts more
Please understand that this time its different

I am sorry but i am not apologizing this time
I am sorry coz our culture demands i should
I am sorry because right now i don't care about the culture
I am sorry coz you have pushed me to this

I hope this helps
I hope this makes you understand I have my Limits
I hope this helps you understand how to relate with me
I hope this helps me understand how to accept this in you if it come to that

I know you love me
I know you know i do
I know you care
I know you know i do

But I am sorry , this tyme you have to take the first step.
i still love you........

The list

So i sat down today after lunch and dailed my voice mail
......." you have seven new messages"

Five was from HIM and the rest from my friend. Why am i doing this was what i asked my self.........

I immediately took a sheet of paper and wrote down the names of guys that I have dated (not that much oh) or just tagged along not telling them what the deal is.
Beside their names, i had my pros and cons about them. After going down the list, it hit me.
No matter how much i try to console my self and say i am not looking for a Perfect guy. deep down I am. Some i had some silly reasons why we not together, some i had reasons that even in another life, i would never come to a compromise with and some i couldn't even understand WHY.
Because of this unconscious judgement , i try not to get close to Him, so i dont add him to the list.
I have this fear of the unknown, my unknown decision, because i know me, Once i make that decision, its final.
He doesn't get it, he thinks i am just playing hard to get, but the truth is i am protecting him, protecting another heart from being broken.
I got tired of lying "Oh am sorry i didnt get your call"
So i constantly put my phone on vibrate so i dont have to lie.
If i feel it then maybe i pick up ,
And if i dont, truely I didnt get your call.
Typing this, makes me sound like one stock up B, but really i think i am nice, but I feel a missed call is better than an annoying conversation.
At first i tried to cover it up by saying" I HATE THE SOUND OF MY RING TONE"
but guess what, you can only lie to another person, but not your self.
So my first step to this new Me, is turning my phone off vibrate, and trying to find the Good thing in Him, and let the bad work out with time.