His Remembrance

Cherished memories of you has helped to soften my grief,
Fond recollection of you has brought me relief,
Comfort and peace I find in the thoughts of the joy you gave.

Time and space can not take these memories away.
For I hold them too deep in my heart.
Its been possible to do, because these memories are painted in color true.

These memories have created a golden chain, linked with remembrance
Even though death tried to break,
Its all in vain.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days and years may wipe out many things
But some they wipe out never.
Like the happy times we shared,
When you where here,
When I could see you smile.

R.I.P (09-17-09 ) 2 YEARS and it hurts like it was yesterday.



- daparadigm -

R.I.P

CANT BELIEVE YOU GONE FOR EVER....

I cant explain the way i feel
I cant get our song off repeat...
Remembering the way we could hang out and never get bored
Remembering the way we only fight coz we cant see one another.

Friendship like this is rear.
I cry more coz i never got to say goodbye
I tell others not to grieve, but that all i do behind closed doors.
All i hold on to now are our last words.
Thank God each sec coz they are lovely memories.

Its your birthday tomorrow and i wish i could call you and you would pick up
I thought of calling u a day earlier but brushed that feeling away
I wanted to be the first right at 12am
I wanted it to be spacial.
Now i cant even be the second or the third, coz you no more

I try to remember the good times and not the bad ones
Because that is what matters the most,
but that's not just enough.
I need t know you are there
I need to know i can call and you would answer
I need to know i can see, feel and smell you .
I need to know you would still make me smile.

The last you said was see you soon,
I hate that you going to break that promise
I hate that this would be your first.
No you cant be gone, we need you here . the whole world needs you, I NEED YOU!!!!

R.I.P FRIEND.......

Meme!!!!!!

" MeMe' bug!!!

Was tagged by Trebes!!!

Rules:
1.Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
2.They have to be real….nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial,you must use different answers.
3.You cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.
4.Don’t google your answers.
5.Make it as interesting and fun as you can.
----------------------------


1.What is your name: Paradigm
2.A four letter word: Pink
3.A boys name: Paul
4.A girls name: Pam lol
5.An occupation: Pilot
6.A color: Purple
7.Something you’ll wear: Pumps
8.A food: Plantain
9.Something found in the bathroom: Peroxide
10.A place: Paris
11.A reason for being late: Pregnant lol
12.Something you’d shout: Please!!!
13.A movie title: P.S, I Love you
14.Something you’d drink: Pina colada
15.A musical group: The Pretenders
16.An animal: Panda
17.A street name: Pulaski
18.A type of car: Porsche
19.The title of a song: Papa Was A Rolling Stone- The Temptations-

Tag: buttercup, Good Naija girl, Afrobabe, ........... sorry guys lol

My lover !!!

In a way better mood than Yesterday : )
Thanx you all for your messages.

I thought I share some of my art works with you guys
since i have nothing to blog about lol ...
I am not an artist, just an art lover that loves
the paint and brushes and wishes she was an artist but can deal
with just being the lover !!! ...
and yeah my photography skills are in-existence as you
can see, and dont mind my red wall on the background of some!!!
ENJOY !!!

- the Festival-
24* 36
Acrylic on canvas
One of my first pieces... Love the colors. Cant remember what was going through my head that day, but it sure looks active lol


-life-
two 18' by 20"
acrylic on canvas


-the lost-
four 11"by 6"
acrylic on canvas

-New Dawn-
two 8"by 20"
Acrylic on canvas
"still in progress"

- the Urban City-
24" by 36"
Acrylic on canvas.

-home-
24"by 36"
acrylic on canvas


-outer ego-
18"by 20"
acyclic and pastel on canvas


-Untitled-
18" by 20"
acrylic on paper


Yep that's right, painting is my lover !!! lol " wink "

WHY ?

WHY AM I SOOOO SAD AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY !!!!!!

Hate this feeling : (

wish i could figure it out...

@ least that way its a step ahead...

later guys hating this "sad" blog...
have a lovely week ahead!!!

OCD -Obsessive-compulsive Disorder-

Yep my lonely guitar sitting there,
reminds me each day that i should not quit...
lol donno how that's helping thou..

My sisters came to visit and kept saying I have OCD : (

I don't think i do, but i am a lil worried now coz they wud make the 3rd person saying this.Whats wrong with wanting things organized/ neat ?
So here are a couple of things i cant stand and i find my self fixing not minding how may times a day ... does that mean i have OCD??
@ least i don't yell like some people , i fix it !!! I love to : )

1. After taking a shower, really doesn't the shower curtain deserve to be pulled back to cover the tub????
- makes the bathroom look nice if you ask me and really i think it just should be....

2. Please dry your self a lil in the tub so you don't drip all over the floor mat!!
-who likes standing on a wet toilet mat??? grossssssssss

3. Empty sink : ) why messed that up ??
-just do your dish and leave it empty : )

4. Toilet trash half full is full to me
-its the bathroom, come on I don't wanna see the tissue all the way up !!!

4b. Kitchen trash full is full
-Please dont put trash to the side or adjust the bag so the trash is hanging out on one side. just take the bag out and get a new one!!! Oh yeah and one trash is full and you see 2 small plastic bags with trash in them on the side!!! OMG are you 4 real??? ITS A KITCHEN people cook here !!!

5. Back from the grocery store, @ least make things look presentable in the fridge/ pantry/ shelf -the bigger ones behind and the smaller ones in front !! come on just so you can see whats what ...( lol it just looks nice that way ) : )

6. Bent area rug
-i think it just looks horrible, whats the deal, just straighten it jare lol

7. Food stain in the micro wave/cover
-thank God they invented the cover but that doesn't make it ok for the cover to be messed up with food !!!!!

8. Hair in the bathroom sink!!!!
-the sink is white, your hair is black/brown/blond/red if i can see it, so can everyone!!!!!!!!!!

9. Used blender in the sink
-that kills me . as in really plates ok i can deal with, but a blender?? !!!!!!! pouring water in it saying you socking it doesn't cut it either : )

10.Cook n Clean
-they go hand in hand... my mum always said " you use, you wash that way its not all piled up when you done" the best advice ever it just makes cooking easier and fun !!!

11. Spreading your towel on the door " so it can dry "
-OMG i cant explain how much of a pet peeve that is to me as in walking in my apt or anywhere for that matter and seeing a towel hanging on the door!! what happened to toilet racks??? towel hanger !!! say a red towel on ones white door??

12. I vacuum my guest room every Saturday when I clean, even thou no one stays there
-Ok really i agree its empty but i am already vacuuming the whole apt, i might as well ...

Cant think of any more but really if all of this means i have OCD!!! so be it !!! : )
apart from #12 a lil unnecessary i think lol
Happy Easter Everyone...

NOT an "I AM BACK" Post lol

- the urban city -
"Acrylic on canvas 24" by 36"
( dont mind my red wall on the background lol)

I Think I jinx my self when ever i do that whole " ooo I am back, sorry i have been gone for long blah blah, coz all that happens is I become MIA again and the circle continues, so lets all pretend i was never gone, ok !! lol

........saw a post on face book about vera's blog, and after going through and reading i finally realized .....
I MISS BLOGGING : ( !!!! it was fun reading through and reading all y'all's comments and i sure did have a good laugh, so i really need to create time for this. I feel its gonna take a whole lot to catch up on ,.. feels more like i am new to blog ville. : (
i am ready thou !!!

update:

Guitar: Quit
well not really quit, just stooped ma lessons lol looking for a new teacher thou learnt how to play 2 1/2 songs, now, can only remember 1 1/2 : (
i really thot this was it men

Love life: in-existence
lol really it is. I kinda cleaned my slate, no strings attached. a whole lot happened in this last 8months that made me realize that's what i just need right about now.

Architecture: still in love
Loving it more each day. the other day thou, i cried and thot for a sec i was in the wrong discipline ( too late now don't u think?) anyways i guess i went back to my ever refresher (painting) and it brought back the creative side in me, and then i smiled and realized its architecture or nothing really lol

Painting : still in debt to
lol i soo am in debt to painting as in its helps soo much in soo many ways and donno how to repay ... planning on having a show thou, yes!!!!
so my birthday is in May, and its one of those big years that everyone expects you to celebrate
( even thou i am soo running away from that) anyways i guess the only way i would do that is if i make it an art show or sthing since i have been forced to love my pieces. I wouldnt say forced to love. i like them but i just never think they are good enuf to show !!!
so my idea??
" rent a gallery, put up my painting/pottery , and have a show!!! cocktail thingy with my art, friends and miii!!! : ) lol

Grad school: TIRED : (
really i am counting down my days men!!!!

Life: CANT BE BETTER !!! : )

Update !!!

Where do i start from?
Who or What?
Thats really what my whole trip was all about.
Who: Ma lover !!! : )
What: My summer job( yes i worked in naija. it was amazing. I so wanna go back home and practice as an architect!!!!.

Week One:
Jet lagged for 3 days.
Didnt know what to expect for the holiday by now. considering changing my return date (what in the world was i thinking wanting to stay in naija for 2 month and 2weeks. ok i love naija, but it gets to be a drag and u so counting ur days to leave.

Went to the archi firm i was to work at and really wasn't what i expected, but all that changed.

..... ok really this is all boring WHAT doesnt matter going to WHO!!!....
: )
"wink"

Last tyme i promise

I am back finally

Really back to stay.

I am getting sick of this i am back speech really

Can imagine you all are too.

So i am determined not to go away for so long

Naija was MAD fun,

So much fun i could not even blog (imagine)

Well the slow internet service sure added to that

Fell in love "i think"

Confused as hell

Cant believe i was there for over two months,

Didn't wanna come back

Cant wait to blog

All about it......

Nb: I hate grad school : (

One step at a tyme

So I am Home (Naija) For the summer holidays,

Its been going on great so far

Taking classes, not that bored thou.........

Learning how to play the Guitar. !!!!!!!!!

Excited as hell.

I so wanna run before i crawl.

My teacher thinks I am doing great .

I fell he is just being nice.

Gosh its not as easy as I thot.

Should have picked an easier instrument

So where did this all come from??

Out of no where my Dad bought an Organ and said he wanted to learn how to play @ age 54, we all laughed (come to think of it, thats not too old is it?)

When i arrived abuja, that was the first thing i saw in the house.

A step forward, i was impressed so lets see him actually take classes.

The first day, he actually gave me his cell phones to keep away (he never does that only if he is in church) meeting or no meeting that guys cell phone is ringing off the hook.

So i saw that determination and just had to learn an instrument my self.

So i picked the guitar

I have always thought its the sexiest instrument out there . lol ..

Now i wish i thot otherwise

My fingers are finding it hard to move around and stay where they are to be

And did i mention the blisters i am beginning to have from the strings.

Well thats my fault coz since i got my guitar, i take it every where.

I only have a month and a week to learn.

So you can only imagine how hard i am working my self.

My teacher plays so well, i asked him how long he has been playing.

He said 15 years......

I AMLOST LOST HOPE

They say practice makes perfect am gonna try and hold on !!!!

-The cycle-

Question?

Yes!!

Fun times 

Sad times

Truth 

Lies 

Courage

Love

Care

Romance

Cry 

Laugh

Understanding

Unrealistic

Confident 

Insecured

Anger 

Passion

Break Up 

Make Up 

Make up

Break up 

...........

talk and laugh from the word but don't feel involved. 

All I am busy doing is locking little parts of me up 

Why?

Because i would not need them now that you are gone. 

nb: very abstract not true life !!! lol 

-heavy heart -

I feel heavy, so heavy
This didn't work it made it worse
Its been 3 days and we still giving each other the cold shoulders
In 30min and I am about to leave you here
Oh God I wish i could say I am sorry for Only God knows what

But I don't want to.
Gosh how weird is it going to be when i am leaving
What am I gonna say when I am leaving,
Am I going to give you a hug and say i love you
Am I just gonna walk alway and say bye
What am I gonna do when I leave?

So is it worth it?
I dont think so

My heart has been heavy all along
My heart wanna talk to you soo bad
My heart wanna laugh and crack jokes with you like normal

But this fight isn't making it so.

"....................Paradigm can you imagine what he said"
o o o is that you talking to me.
OH GREAT you went first
lol i know i sound like a lil kid but she made the first move thats all that matter !!!!

aiight wud be back she is talking and laughing with me...
i guess thats her way of saying I AM SORRY lol
thats why i love you !!!! muah

- i still love you -

I hate that i am writing this about you
But you have pushed me so far that's all i can
I hate that you make me feel this way
But you have pushed me so far that i cant take this no more.

What more do you need?
Everything humanly possible i have done.
What more do you need?
You say I make you proud
What more do you need?
I give you your due respect
What more do you need?
I sincerely love you

Please understand why I had to come to this.
Please understand this is the only way I can vent without being rude
Please understand i have held this in so much its killing me
Please understand you have made me cry over and over again this time.

I hate this feeling
I hate not talking to you
I hate that i wanna hold on with this childish malice until you see my point
I hate that you SO good at it.

Please understand that this time it hurts more
Please understand that this time its different

I am sorry but i am not apologizing this time
I am sorry coz our culture demands i should
I am sorry because right now i don't care about the culture
I am sorry coz you have pushed me to this

I hope this helps
I hope this makes you understand I have my Limits
I hope this helps you understand how to relate with me
I hope this helps me understand how to accept this in you if it come to that

I know you love me
I know you know i do
I know you care
I know you know i do

But I am sorry , this tyme you have to take the first step.
i still love you........

The list

So i sat down today after lunch and dailed my voice mail
......." you have seven new messages"

Five was from HIM and the rest from my friend. Why am i doing this was what i asked my self.........

I immediately took a sheet of paper and wrote down the names of guys that I have dated (not that much oh) or just tagged along not telling them what the deal is.
Beside their names, i had my pros and cons about them. After going down the list, it hit me.
No matter how much i try to console my self and say i am not looking for a Perfect guy. deep down I am. Some i had some silly reasons why we not together, some i had reasons that even in another life, i would never come to a compromise with and some i couldn't even understand WHY.
Because of this unconscious judgement , i try not to get close to Him, so i dont add him to the list.
I have this fear of the unknown, my unknown decision, because i know me, Once i make that decision, its final.
He doesn't get it, he thinks i am just playing hard to get, but the truth is i am protecting him, protecting another heart from being broken.
I got tired of lying "Oh am sorry i didnt get your call"
So i constantly put my phone on vibrate so i dont have to lie.
If i feel it then maybe i pick up ,
And if i dont, truely I didnt get your call.
Typing this, makes me sound like one stock up B, but really i think i am nice, but I feel a missed call is better than an annoying conversation.
At first i tried to cover it up by saying" I HATE THE SOUND OF MY RING TONE"
but guess what, you can only lie to another person, but not your self.
So my first step to this new Me, is turning my phone off vibrate, and trying to find the Good thing in Him, and let the bad work out with time.

- Numero uno -

I CRAVE IT!!
What? I crave sharing my thoughts and feelings.

Finally i know why i feel in love with Mr A , and what i got from him:
the act of shearing my thots and feelings.

I long for this. What exactly?
Oh no I am not sure, but i know I've had it before.
i can feel it.
It seems almost like spiritual closeness.

Complete openness at all level, emotionally, physically, intellectually and even sexually.

Also appreciated, safe, comfortable and finally i have that feeling of @ last, I am home. !!!

O!!!!, and us talking,
simultaneously,
Moves to feelings,
touch,
and then exchange of words.

A conversation going on and on .
Its Amazing how its not hard to find conversation just in words or Sex without conversation . wow the two together with trust and feelings, makes this rare but amazing.

Wanting and longing for this time,
moment to share our thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes keep me awake at night.
What should I call it?

Finally i get it.
When I notice someone Demonstrating Sensitivity of body, heart and mind!!!
Bummm my own sensitivity and strong desire for sharing my thoughts and feelings draws me close.

That's it, Its Communion, simple I Sharing my thoughts and feelings.

-My Journey-

I am on a  journey, 

A journey to Discover the Undiscovered. 

Figured out there's a whole lot about I that's yet to be unleashed.

I feel there is more to Me than I give and see.

I know there is more ...  

Knowing is the first step they say, so the next is actually finding out. 

Cant wait to see what I discover.  

the truth

I close my eyes, and all i could think of is....
I wanna be there, I hear you calling but its trapped, trapped in a distance place.

You wanna express, all you have in.
wanting to have all you had before, but it needs a fight.
Fight against distance, time and goals,
Fight against culture, principles and ethics.
Fight against all i have written down in front of you.

With all this, you getting lost.
We find little time to share, but my laptop takes your place,
or better still i pass you over for exams and presentations.
And finally I realise i take you for granted,

All i have when people ask about you, is pulled out from the past
Telling stories of how we were , but not how we are
Cos thats all i have.
And then it all makes sense.
I miss you
I vow to spend more time gosh its a lie because life gets in the way
All i can say is
I'm sorry
I ignore you
Yet I don't want you to leave me
Please dont.
Just wait, please wait, I promise I'll come back
I just need to get this done
I can't deal with life if you go
Don't leave me.....you made me

TAG !!!

I WAS TAGGED BY DOUG !!! THANKS !!!!

The rules:
1. Link the person(S) who tagged you to this post: doug
2. Mention the rules in your blog
3. Tell 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

1. I love my room being pitch black and i use the light from my phone to find my way thru!!!O did i say i am extremely addicted to my phone !!!

2. I listen to the same album very morning when i wake up .

3. i am obsessed with my lip gloss, like really i cant do without it i have back up in my car, my bed side table, my lap top bag and my purse!!!. : )

4. I CANT DO WITH OUT BLACK . i am no Gothic, but i cant explain it. i actually want my braids maids to wear black and a colour like really i have to have a hint of black on my wedding dress.

5. I am quick to get over someone and some thing, simply a realist i guess. all it takes is me know someone or sthing is not right for me and in a sec i am soo over it. my friends say i dont have a heart but i say, why waste my tyme on something i know is obviously not going to work??? it makes life easier. !!!

6. wow what else !!! emmm iight this is all i can think of. i am not like every regular girl , i hate all them mushy mushy stuffvvsss!!! u dont have to lie you wud cross the dam ocean for me coz u wudnt. i wanna know u care through your actions, words are just the icing on the cake. my ans wud be "yeah right" it gets annoying, but that how i feel.... goes back to the saying" action speaks louder than words" whats can i say, that's who i am .......
ps: dot tell me you love me 2 weeks into us dating !!!!!!!! i am still playing nice !!! lol just kidding but really can u tell that soon??? like i said never falling madly in love so i guess i donno the ans.
Ok, i'm done. I hereby tag standtall , anu boy , la reine , neef , unwritten , sherri

Hey !!!!

Hey guys, thanks so much for checking up on me.
Been so lazy to update. wow a whole lot has happened. Its been a mix of the GOOD, the bad and the beautiful lol ... for real, i have been blessed in every way and also had my downs.

my birthday was about a week ago!!!! ( really didnt wanna do anything coz i just didnt wanna think about growing old but hey, its life so i took it as it is and had a fun night with my friends)

Graduation was 3 days ago !!! wooowwww.. finally its over like really my thesis was wonderful, the jury loved it, did I say loved it?? yeah they did lol. i cried right after i left the stage defending my project.It was a cry of joy, relief and satisfaction. everythig came out, just the way i wanted it. I really cant explain this feeling, i tried sooo hard to stop, but it just kept pouring.
It felt good knowing all my hard work was all worth it, all my sleepless night and months of being MIA from Blog vile. lol ... so i gave up, i just let it all out. wow did i feel good after all.
All i cud think about was how much I have always wanted to be an Architect, and how good I am achieving this goal , all thru his grace. The great part was not only did i finish, but i finished well.

Now whats my next step???

who's house is it anyways??

Its 11:20pm and i am driving down from German town, which is 1hr 30min from my house. all i could think of was "MY BED" I nearly cried when i looked at my gps and saw i have an hr to go. really i didn't know i was going to make it. Had a long ass day, this drive wasn't one i was ready for. While at my friends send forth get together, i had a blank, unsure look on my face. Why? all i could think about was the drive back. lol 

So i finally got to my street and you need to see the relive on my face. Already had my seat beat off and brought my purse to the front  so all i need to do is open and exit. 

emmm.. like they say, you never know what God has planned. 

So i drive into my parking space and all of a sudden : bang bang bang bang was i could hear on my window. 

A t-shiirt and shorts wearing  (drunk i believe) guy in the d** cold  was banging on my window, asking me to wind it down. With out thinking, i was actually going to until he reached for my door and tried to open. (thank God for auto lock emm) i said what from my closed window and door and all he said "Open the F****** door. Oh hell no he just didnt. i was soo not ready for this. all i culd think of was REVERSE. Gosh i really wanna sleep. 

i put it on reverse and drove down to the next street. kept looking thru the back mirror,  he was running after the car. ok now you all know this whole thing wke my ass up. 

did a lil drive around the next street and tried to drive back to my house with my lights off. emmm too my surprise, this drunk ass guy thinks he is soo slick. so he hides by the side of a car and as i drove closer, he comes to the middle of the road and walking towards the car again. 

"PLS Stop i really need to get some sleep " lol all in my head  

I drove past and he kicked his shoes at the car. Went out of the street and packed. I saw another car coming ad was soo happy. So he did the same to the next car and i was like oh great this wud distract him and i wud run into my house...

yeah riht, i am home alone, the doors here are not like our burglary proof lol ones in Naija if his drunk ass come breaking down the door what am i gonna do b4 the cops or someone gets here??

2secs away from my parking spot again and another 50secs  from my BED!! do i really wanna do this? next thing he leaves the side of the other car and coming running towards my car again. I totally give up, reverse and drove to my girls house. As i made a right to the highway, i was so sleepy and sad, angry that i have to drive another 25min b4 i can lay my heads down.  So much for wanting to sleep on my own BED!!!.